Reevaluating : A personal post

Re-evalute or reevaluate: verb To consider again, especially with the possibility of change: reconsider, reexamine, rethink, review.

The new year always brings a lot of evaluating naturally. As someone who has a history of making extravagant plans to change and then failing miserably, I’ve learned not to start the new year off with all sorts of resolutions that are bound to be broken within a few short weeks. However, my plan to not make plans has resulted in me having absolutely no plan.

I don’t do well with no plans. I really like plans. I need plans.

So if you follow my blog then you know that I recently totally put myself out there by entering the Wedding Weekend thing with Zach and Jody. Well, actually I guess my kids put me out there. Because all of my attempts to record a video sort of failed. (Not until after I spent waaaay too much time thinking about it and letting it completely stress me out though.) The photographers chosen to attend the weekend were announced today and sadly I’m not one of them. I’m not going to lie, it hurts. For real. I felt like I really had a shot of getting picked and was so looking forward to meeting the Gray’s in person and getting recharged.

You see, I feel like I’m stuck. I feel as though my photography has become redundant and isn’t growing. I need guidance with the business aspect of I desire to learn new techniques with lighting and off-camera flash. I want to stay true to why I chose this path and not feel like I need to compete with every single person who just got a new camera for Christmas and has now decided to start their own photography business. I love what I do and want to be the very best I can be for my clients and I know that in order to do that I need to learn and grow. The problem is that I have a really hard time balancing that with the rest of my life. Voice lessons, piano lessons, dance lessons, band practice, choir rehearsals, youth group teaching, doctors appointments, exercising, dinner plans, photo shoots, gallery editing, laundry, grocery shopping, house work, Bible study, and on and on and on. How do I stay on the path that I’m to be on when my mind is a million different places at any given time. I feel like I need a personal assistant with me at all times just to keep me on task. Anyone want to take that position? I can’t pay you but it’s sure to be entertaining.

The fact that I wasn’t chosen for the workshop has me really thinking. I know that it didn’t work out for a reason. And as bummed as I initially felt, I’m really ok with that. But I’m not ok with the stirrings in my heart that it has brought on. (Actually, I guess I’m ok with that too because I know eventually it will all make sense. Right now though, it’s just hard. So hard.) I guess I just kinda thought that I would be going to Seattle later this month. I’d spend the next couple of months passing the days thinking about that. Knowing that I would learn and grow while I was there and then come back home with a plan! Remember, I like plans. Instead though, I wasn’t chosen which means now I’m still wondering where to go with my business and what direction to take and with nothing like an impending trip to Seattle to help distract me some underlying issues that can’t be ignored anymore are now very apparent.

So I’m reevaluating. Reevaluating my business. Do I want to focus on one aspect of photography? And if so what? I don’t shoot a lot of weddings but when I do I absolutely adore them. I can’t very well give up shooting seniors, they are SO much fun. What about newborns and my hopes of doing more birth photography. I can’t NOT do that anymore. (I know, double negative. Forgive me.) If I don’t give something up then can I continue to make it work?

Then at the root of all of this are those “underlying issues” I just mentioned. You know, little things such as my longing to do what God has intended for me to do with my life. Woah. After the laundry list of all I try to balance you’d think it crazy of me to even still be considering it but the call of adoption is still burning wildly inside of me. My other blog has been quite ignored during the last several months. But when I go there and see that I started that blog with the About Me section reading: “I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister and friend. I am a believer, a lover of Christ, saved by His grace. I am on a journey. I am ready for what He has in store for me. I am interruptible.”

But really?

How interruptible have I really been? I’m afraid my desire to do God’s will for me is buried somewhere underneath a whole bunch of as-soon-as-I’m-done-with-this-project’s and when-I-get-enough-time-to’s and a slew of other excuses. This place of being where I see how many ways I can ignore the true problems has gotten old. I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to go through every day just doing the motions and being numb. I guess it boils down to the fact that I don’t need Zach and Jody to guide me. I need God to do it. I’ve got to let go and give it to Him. And then, and only then will I be at peace.

Hold me accountable for these ramblings friends. Pray that these revelations won’t end up like countless other resolutions I’ve made, swept away after a few short weeks only to be brought back out again next January.